This is the first ‘Rule’ that appears in Pub Rules of the Eighties;
Rule 1: What Constitutes a Proper Pub?
There are two kinds of pub in the world, Proper Pubs and Not Proper Pubs. You should always endeavour to sup at Proper Pubs, for these are the birthright of every true Briton and, much like the ravens in the Tower of London, as long as Proper Pubs exist there will always be someone to nick your chips.
The following guide will enable you to decide whether or not a particular establishment is a Proper Pub.
Proper Pubs
1. A Proper Pub will have a reassuringly historic name such as The Royal Oak, The Red Lion, The White Hart, The Old Inn, King’s Head etc. It will not have a name that sounds like it was ‘brainstormed’ by a bunch of wanky marketing drones on a team building away-day at the Travel Lodge Slough. Proper Pub’s names will often include the words ‘Public House’, ‘Inn’, ‘Tavern’. It will not include the words ‘Lodge’, ‘Fun’, ‘Bars’, ‘Spot’, or ‘Lounge’. Beware of names that start with the word ‘Bar’ and if it’s a lame pun then avoid it completely.
2. Proper Pubs will have sticky floors, tobacco stained walls and ancient wonky tables. The interior design policy should consist solely of whacking another coat of cheap paint over the last one at a frequency no greater than once every twenty years.
3. A Proper Pub will serve the following snacks; crisps, nuts, pork scratchings, pickled eggs/onions/gherkins, jar of cockles. It will not serve ciabatta. Or Bombay Mix, whatever the hell that is.
4. A Proper Pub will celebrate St George’s/David’s/Andrew’s/Patrick’s day as appropriate. Valentine will not get a look in.
5. Every proper pub includes an old man with a dog, regardless of the said pub’s rules on allowing dogs. The old man will be a permanent fixture, seeming to actually live in the pub and ultimately, die in it.
6. No proper pub, in the history of proper pubs, has ever felt the need to utilise the phrase ‘Soft Play Area’ in any context whatsoever.
7. A proper pub landlord will be constantly annoyed and will behave as if he were compelled to become a pub landlord against his will. He will be referred to as ‘Guv’ by the staff and ‘Dave’ by the punters. No one will know his actual name in spite of the fact that it is written above the front door.