Back in the mid 80s, when I was a studying at the University of Sussex, myself and my mate Peter had our own radio show on the student radio station (University Radio Falmer). The show was called Pizza DJ and we used to perform little comedy sketches on it because we thought we were ‘funny’. The Sketch Sketch was intended for this show, however it was only after I’d written it that I realised it was un-performable and couldn’t be used. After thirty years of sitting untouched in a box file in my attic I finally dug it out and I present it to you now for no reason other than it seems a bit of a waste to just chuck it away. Oh and don’t worry, you don’t have to laugh at it.

 

The Sketch Sketch

FX: Shop entering style bell.

Customer: ‘Ello, Miss?

Shopkeeper: What do you mean Miss?

C: I’m sorry I have a cold. I wish to register a complaint!

S: We’re closing for lunch.

C: Never mind that my lad. I wish to complain about this sketch what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

S: Oh yes, the uh, Parrot Sketch, what’s wrong with it?

C: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it my lad, It’s not funny any more, that’s what’s wrong with it!

S: No, no, it’s uh, just a slow burner that’s all.

C: Look matey, I know a sketch that’s past it when I see one and I’m looking at one right now.

S: No, no it’s not past it, it’s just waiting for the right delivery. Remarkable sketch the Parrot sketch, beautiful verbiage!

C: The verbiage don’t enter into it. It’s not funny.

S: Nonononono, no, no, It’s building to a punchline.

C: All right then, if it’s building to a punchline I’ll give it a few heckles to help it along, ‘Ello, Mister Funny Sketch, where are the laughs? My mum’s funnier than you, who cuts your hair? Stevie Wonder?

FX: Brief burst of canned laughter

S: There, you got a laugh!

C: No I didn’t, that was just you pressing that button with ‘canned laughter’ written on it!

S: I never!! Why would I have such an item? It’s not like we’re in a radio studio or something.

C: Yes you did!

S: I never did anything…

C: (Shouting and banging paper on desk) ‘ELLO PARROT SKETCH!! Testing, Testing, Testing, This is your Not The Nine O’Clock News alarm call. Now that is what I call a sketch that has been done to death.

S: No, no it’s surreal.

C: SURREAL?!?

S: Yeah, you’ve turned it surreal, you got too self referential and it’s become a post-ironic meta-sketch. People are amused but challenged at the same time.

C: Now look, now look mate, I’ve definitely had enough of this. That sketch is definitely past it’s sell-by date and when I purchased it not ‘alf an hour ago, you assured me that it’s total lack of giggles was due to it having just followed a particularly amusing episode of The Goodies.

S: Well it’s probably pining for the Secret Policeman’s Ball.

C: PININ’ for the SECRET POLICEMAN”S BALL!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look why did it fall flat on it’s face the moment I performed it at home?

S: The Parrot Sketch prefers a less subtle delivery. Remarkable sketch innit squire, lovely crosstalk.

C: Look I took the liberty of examining that sketch when I got home and the only reason it had five stars in the review section of Private Eye was because you’d written it there in biro.

S: Well of course I wrote it there in biro. If I hadn’t raised your expectations you would have collapsed in hysterics.

C: HYSTERICS?! Mate this sketch wouldn’t give me hysterics if it were half a pound of cannabis in a ginger afro. It’s bleedin’ depressing.

S: No no, it’s pining for the Edinburgh fringe!

C: It’s not pining, it’s morose, it’s moribund, this sketch is no more, it has ceased to be funny. It’s expired and gone to a dull place. Bereft of laughs it repeats ad-nauseum. If you hadn’t put it in the humour section it would be propping up the tragedies. It’s internal absurdities have become hackneyed and predictable. It’s hauntingly familiar, it’s over-stayed it’s welcome, it’s a mocking self-parody, it’s run off the stage to become endlessly regurgitated in the pub conversations of the unimaginative. THIS IS AN EX-SKETCH.

S: Did you say etch-a-sketch?

C: Ex-sketch.

S: Sorry I thought you said etch-a-sketch.

C: No I said ex-sketch.

S: This bit doesn’t really work does it?

C: I’m struggling to follow it so I’m pretty sure the listener will be lost by now.

S: Where were we?

C: This is an ex-sketch,

S: Right, yes. Well I better replace it then. Sorry squire we seem to be all out of parrot sketches.

C: I see, I see, I get the picture.

S: I’ve got a four candles sketch?

C: Is it funny?

S: Not really.

C: Well it’s scarcely a replacement then is it?

S: No I suppose not.

C: Well?

S: Do you want to come back to my place, have a look at my nob?

FX: Brief burst of canned laughter

C: Nob gags eh? They’re never not funny!